Somewhere a radio was playing. The DJ was rambling about some contest he was offering to his listeners. While describing the rules and regulations, the background noise was the tune to the wonderful Sound of Music track “A Few of My Favorite Things.” As I wandered away from that radio, I thought more about what are my favorite things. Of course, my first instinct was, “I should make a post about this!” But that slowly disintegrated.
Later on I decided to think of the antithesis of that list. “A Few of My Least Favorite Things,” maybe? After more contemplation and thoughts evolving into other ideas, finally, it came… my top worst fears (as suppose to my favorite fears: gosh, I really love the fear of being burned alive, don’t you just feel protected having all that fire around you?). Here are the top ten (cliché, I realize) worst fears for my dear self.
10. The theme music to Unsolved Mysteries: I still have that song in my head and the show was cancelled over a decade ago. During elementary school, I remember new episodes premiered on Sunday evenings. That eerie tune would start and the opening credits were reveal words like “lost and never found” and “kidnapped.” Robert Stack always came out in some suit and trench coat on the steps of a random mysterious gothic building introducing this week’s mystery. The mysteries ranged from bank robberies, kidnapped children, alien abductions, to murder cases. If the theme was applied to some PBS children’s show, I think it would deliver a whole different sensation to me but with the mystery element attached to it, good job Unsolved Mysteries, you know how to creep out your audience.
9. Aliens: I’m talking little grey bald naked big eye anal probe aliens. Coinciding with Unsolved Mysteries, I distinctly remember the alien abduction episodes. This shit crept me out. Just the whole concept of this unexplainable situation and how people from all over have some horrific story. The ones about a couple driving on an isolated farm country road and they see a bright light or something crossing the street in front of them (I’m actually getting goosebumps as I write this), that stuff always gave me the chills. I remember in sixth grade I saw Fire in the Sky, and the scene where the main character has the flash back of being on the space ship will haunt me for the rest of my life. I still find myself looking at the sky.
8. Zombies: I realize that zombies are fictional. My problem was after seeing the 2004 remake of Dawn of the Dead. My friends still tease me about this but my deal was that, lets say zombies are real, would I survive? After seeing that movie, I questioned every location I was in and would imagine a parade of zombies pouring into the given vicinity. Where were my exits? Would I be able to outrun them? What disadvantages do I have on me right now? I saw Dawn of the Dead on a Saturday in early March; I think it wasn’t until April sometime is when I finally calmed down. I was going to San Francisco with my friends Amy and John. We were on BART and Amy saw me just sitting there and asked me what I was thinking?
“If zombies were on this train right now, would I survive?”
Her disgusted reply was, “Are you fucking serious?!”
7. Foam: It’s disgusting and I don’t trust it. What is it? Is it a solid? A liquid? I think it’s a colloid, which that itself doesn’t seem pleasurable. When a dog eats or drinks, it tends to develop a ring of foam around the mouth, my first instinct is to grab a napkin and wipe it off. Marshmallows are the containers of foam, just melt one and see what happens. I remember my mom making breakfast shakes when we younger and after everything had been thrown in the blender, there would be all the foam and bubbles at top. I would grab mine and start pouring the top surface into the sink. I’m sure it all tasted the same, but I couldn’t handle seeing it. Foam is just icky stuff that shouldn’t be looked at or studied in any way.
6. Gas Masks: What is it about a gas mask that makes it creepy? I don’t know if it’s the lack of any human facial features or what. The mask makes a human seem more demonic; those goggles that hide the eyes, the air tube that removes the mouth and nose from your view. I still haven’t quite got it down but I will have a conclusion on what it is about the gas mask.
5. Bridges: These are some intimidating structures. Whether I walk or drive over one, I feel like I am losing some sense of control. The idea that we are on this flat narrow surface that is holding us from water still doesn’t give me a good sense of security. I’ve seen the footage of the bridge where it’s windy as hell and it’s swaying back and forth and there are cars on it. I do not want to be a part of that. The worst is the footage of the bay bridge from the 1989 earthquake where a section of the bridge just came undone and the car on top just falls into the bay. Freakin’ scary.
4. Attractive Women: Yep, I said it. But I’m talking extremely cover girl attractive because I feel I don’t see these type of women that often in reality. They’re everywhere: on billboards, commercials, magazine covers. Since we live in a patriarchal sexist society, we therefore will be exposed to these sorts of things. For some reason, when an attractive woman comes into the real, I shut down. This sounds corny and lame, but I can’t even look that woman in the eye. There is an intimidation factor that brings out my general lack of confidence and overall insecurities. I am at my worst; all my flaws start running through my mind and I just want to go somewhere and hide.
3. Doubt: This is a general human quality, in which many will say that we all need. But I feel that doubt plagues my train of thought way too much. Doubt is not the same type of fear as darkness or the boogeyman, but doubt does something to me. Of course, I can feed it into the attractive women rant, but it goes into other categories as well. I suffered from low-test scores when it came to those standardized tests in school, part of those results came from doubt, I would second guess all my answers. I could never hold any strength on my first instincts. Even today, at work I can never submit something without thinking if I screwed up on something, or maybe that’s wrong due to this or that. Doubt is always there polluting my train of thought and reason.
2. Crowded Rooms: If you want to see me go strange, throw me in a mall during Christmas time. Cold sweat, little ticks, shaky hands, highly irritable, it’s all bad. I’m at my worst. When I’m on a bus, and once it starts to get crowded I start to figure out ahead of time if I can get out soon without having to bombard into other people or should wait until the bus starts to get less busy (whether or not I have missed my stop). Something about the idea of not being able to control my space bothers me. Some people originally thought it was claustrophobia but I knew it wasn’t that because I was fine in a small closet or room. It’s being enclosed with people around me. I’ve been told that’s more like social anxiety or agoraphobia. Either one, it still kills me and to this day I will do my best to avoid any crowded areas, even a grocery aisle; I will wander around until that cereal aisle is clear, even if it’s been twenty minutes.
1. Violation (of any kind): I know this may seem really broad, especially for being the number one fear. I will explain. Back when I was in sixth grade, my mom and brothers and I were at the mall. We were gone for most of the afternoon and when we were heading home it was in that twilight time of the evening; my mom was so fascinated by the sky, it was pink and orange, the clouds were doing all kinds of shapes. She was a big fan of just driving aimlessly; this would drive us crazy when we were younger. Eventually the twilight colors faded as nightfall arrived and we headed home. When we arrived, I remember racing to the front door and seeing that it was already open. I thought to myself how weird that was since mom was behind me and she had the keys. I peaked inside and it was still dark. Why was the door open and all dark inside? Mom saw what was up and told me to stand back. We all walked in together and the first thing my mom did was call for our dog Max. He eventually popped out of some random closet, he looked incredibly scared. We turned on the lights and saw that our television and VCR were gone. Some more inspections and my mom’s camera was gone, and at the time my younger brother and I were in little league so we had candy bars to sell; our thieves took the money we raised from the candy bars. As my mom called the police and my grandpa, I remember thinking I had to go to the bathroom; I was sitting on the toilet and nothing was happening. My stomach was turning and I was experiencing all kinds of eternal pain. This sense of violation, this burglarizing was killing me. I had never experienced any such feeling before; knowing that some stranger invaded our domestic space without our knowing. This would continue later on; my old Valiant was broken into a few times, again, the thought of someone else in your personal settings, violating them is pure pain.
As I got older, I thought of more concepts of violation, and the one that really turns me over is rape. I know that as a heterosexual male, I have a 99% chance of never being raped, but I can still share the same hatred and fear of it and can still do my part to help prevent it.
I know that rape and burglarizing are on opposite ends of the spectrum but the idea of some outside force to barge in and take over your personal space, your comfort zone, and destroy that safety net is the worst feeling to encounter.
Later on I decided to think of the antithesis of that list. “A Few of My Least Favorite Things,” maybe? After more contemplation and thoughts evolving into other ideas, finally, it came… my top worst fears (as suppose to my favorite fears: gosh, I really love the fear of being burned alive, don’t you just feel protected having all that fire around you?). Here are the top ten (cliché, I realize) worst fears for my dear self.
10. The theme music to Unsolved Mysteries: I still have that song in my head and the show was cancelled over a decade ago. During elementary school, I remember new episodes premiered on Sunday evenings. That eerie tune would start and the opening credits were reveal words like “lost and never found” and “kidnapped.” Robert Stack always came out in some suit and trench coat on the steps of a random mysterious gothic building introducing this week’s mystery. The mysteries ranged from bank robberies, kidnapped children, alien abductions, to murder cases. If the theme was applied to some PBS children’s show, I think it would deliver a whole different sensation to me but with the mystery element attached to it, good job Unsolved Mysteries, you know how to creep out your audience.
9. Aliens: I’m talking little grey bald naked big eye anal probe aliens. Coinciding with Unsolved Mysteries, I distinctly remember the alien abduction episodes. This shit crept me out. Just the whole concept of this unexplainable situation and how people from all over have some horrific story. The ones about a couple driving on an isolated farm country road and they see a bright light or something crossing the street in front of them (I’m actually getting goosebumps as I write this), that stuff always gave me the chills. I remember in sixth grade I saw Fire in the Sky, and the scene where the main character has the flash back of being on the space ship will haunt me for the rest of my life. I still find myself looking at the sky.
8. Zombies: I realize that zombies are fictional. My problem was after seeing the 2004 remake of Dawn of the Dead. My friends still tease me about this but my deal was that, lets say zombies are real, would I survive? After seeing that movie, I questioned every location I was in and would imagine a parade of zombies pouring into the given vicinity. Where were my exits? Would I be able to outrun them? What disadvantages do I have on me right now? I saw Dawn of the Dead on a Saturday in early March; I think it wasn’t until April sometime is when I finally calmed down. I was going to San Francisco with my friends Amy and John. We were on BART and Amy saw me just sitting there and asked me what I was thinking?
“If zombies were on this train right now, would I survive?”
Her disgusted reply was, “Are you fucking serious?!”
7. Foam: It’s disgusting and I don’t trust it. What is it? Is it a solid? A liquid? I think it’s a colloid, which that itself doesn’t seem pleasurable. When a dog eats or drinks, it tends to develop a ring of foam around the mouth, my first instinct is to grab a napkin and wipe it off. Marshmallows are the containers of foam, just melt one and see what happens. I remember my mom making breakfast shakes when we younger and after everything had been thrown in the blender, there would be all the foam and bubbles at top. I would grab mine and start pouring the top surface into the sink. I’m sure it all tasted the same, but I couldn’t handle seeing it. Foam is just icky stuff that shouldn’t be looked at or studied in any way.
6. Gas Masks: What is it about a gas mask that makes it creepy? I don’t know if it’s the lack of any human facial features or what. The mask makes a human seem more demonic; those goggles that hide the eyes, the air tube that removes the mouth and nose from your view. I still haven’t quite got it down but I will have a conclusion on what it is about the gas mask.
5. Bridges: These are some intimidating structures. Whether I walk or drive over one, I feel like I am losing some sense of control. The idea that we are on this flat narrow surface that is holding us from water still doesn’t give me a good sense of security. I’ve seen the footage of the bridge where it’s windy as hell and it’s swaying back and forth and there are cars on it. I do not want to be a part of that. The worst is the footage of the bay bridge from the 1989 earthquake where a section of the bridge just came undone and the car on top just falls into the bay. Freakin’ scary.
4. Attractive Women: Yep, I said it. But I’m talking extremely cover girl attractive because I feel I don’t see these type of women that often in reality. They’re everywhere: on billboards, commercials, magazine covers. Since we live in a patriarchal sexist society, we therefore will be exposed to these sorts of things. For some reason, when an attractive woman comes into the real, I shut down. This sounds corny and lame, but I can’t even look that woman in the eye. There is an intimidation factor that brings out my general lack of confidence and overall insecurities. I am at my worst; all my flaws start running through my mind and I just want to go somewhere and hide.
3. Doubt: This is a general human quality, in which many will say that we all need. But I feel that doubt plagues my train of thought way too much. Doubt is not the same type of fear as darkness or the boogeyman, but doubt does something to me. Of course, I can feed it into the attractive women rant, but it goes into other categories as well. I suffered from low-test scores when it came to those standardized tests in school, part of those results came from doubt, I would second guess all my answers. I could never hold any strength on my first instincts. Even today, at work I can never submit something without thinking if I screwed up on something, or maybe that’s wrong due to this or that. Doubt is always there polluting my train of thought and reason.
2. Crowded Rooms: If you want to see me go strange, throw me in a mall during Christmas time. Cold sweat, little ticks, shaky hands, highly irritable, it’s all bad. I’m at my worst. When I’m on a bus, and once it starts to get crowded I start to figure out ahead of time if I can get out soon without having to bombard into other people or should wait until the bus starts to get less busy (whether or not I have missed my stop). Something about the idea of not being able to control my space bothers me. Some people originally thought it was claustrophobia but I knew it wasn’t that because I was fine in a small closet or room. It’s being enclosed with people around me. I’ve been told that’s more like social anxiety or agoraphobia. Either one, it still kills me and to this day I will do my best to avoid any crowded areas, even a grocery aisle; I will wander around until that cereal aisle is clear, even if it’s been twenty minutes.
1. Violation (of any kind): I know this may seem really broad, especially for being the number one fear. I will explain. Back when I was in sixth grade, my mom and brothers and I were at the mall. We were gone for most of the afternoon and when we were heading home it was in that twilight time of the evening; my mom was so fascinated by the sky, it was pink and orange, the clouds were doing all kinds of shapes. She was a big fan of just driving aimlessly; this would drive us crazy when we were younger. Eventually the twilight colors faded as nightfall arrived and we headed home. When we arrived, I remember racing to the front door and seeing that it was already open. I thought to myself how weird that was since mom was behind me and she had the keys. I peaked inside and it was still dark. Why was the door open and all dark inside? Mom saw what was up and told me to stand back. We all walked in together and the first thing my mom did was call for our dog Max. He eventually popped out of some random closet, he looked incredibly scared. We turned on the lights and saw that our television and VCR were gone. Some more inspections and my mom’s camera was gone, and at the time my younger brother and I were in little league so we had candy bars to sell; our thieves took the money we raised from the candy bars. As my mom called the police and my grandpa, I remember thinking I had to go to the bathroom; I was sitting on the toilet and nothing was happening. My stomach was turning and I was experiencing all kinds of eternal pain. This sense of violation, this burglarizing was killing me. I had never experienced any such feeling before; knowing that some stranger invaded our domestic space without our knowing. This would continue later on; my old Valiant was broken into a few times, again, the thought of someone else in your personal settings, violating them is pure pain.
As I got older, I thought of more concepts of violation, and the one that really turns me over is rape. I know that as a heterosexual male, I have a 99% chance of never being raped, but I can still share the same hatred and fear of it and can still do my part to help prevent it.
I know that rape and burglarizing are on opposite ends of the spectrum but the idea of some outside force to barge in and take over your personal space, your comfort zone, and destroy that safety net is the worst feeling to encounter.
5 comments:
Dude, you work with hotties ... all inaugural members of the UR_Cool group? How can attractive women intimidate you?
You are their king.
I felt unsure about posting that specific fear. Maybe I should make a note on that one, that I am able to reach a comfort zone. Honestly, I remember being sort of stand-offish in the beginning with some of these UR_Cool members.
This is a great post.
So you don't like foam. Would you skim it off the top of your beer? I bet aliens use foam lubricant when they anally probe you. If they use any lube at all!
Hey Pete! Glad I found your blog, thanks to Rebecca.
Yeah you were a total dick to me when we first met - does that mean you were afraid that I would foam you, anally probe you, or perhaps stick you in a crowded space? B'cuz clearly I'm not THAT attractive! ;0)
Seriously though, it must be some kind of Gemini thing, because I share most of your fears (minus the foam and attractive women - you're on your own there). In fact just reading your description of the cereal aisle made me a little nervous... Trader Joe's on a Sunday in the dried goods aisle is enough to put me on tranquilizers for a week! Never mind when Gabe's sister took me to Nordstrom last December 23 "to exchange something" (did I mention they're Jewish???)... good God.
Anyway... you have a friend, is what I'm trying to say, even if you are a little stand-offish sometimes. ;0)
-Z
Yay Zoe!,
I was going to forward you this soon. Probably at tonight's meeting.
I think it was the June all_UR retreat we did at the Seymour Center where I saw you and thought, "Wow, she's hot, but she's foaming at the mouth, somebody get her some water, wait, is that a gas mask in her bag? Dear god! Why is she, Rebecca, and a bunch of other coworkers coming up realy close to me? Ahh! I need my space." So, you see it was a whole combination of factors :)
But it's comforting to know there are some similarities with other people.
When are you going to do your blog?
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