This Just In: Three Ponies Delivered to Sixteen-Year-Old Girl's Birthday Party.

What is it about the local news that makes it so charming and cute?

The local news is made to, obviously, deliver the updates of what is going on in your general community. With these updates, they want to make sure that everything is fun, happy, and comfortable for you. This is your neighborhood they are talking about. For the bad stuff, one can attend the evening news provided by the corporate stations where they discuss things from a national point of view. For the bad and the ridiculous, you can tune in to the major 24 hours news stations where they discuss the news how they see it (local or national).

When the local news starts, it’s always something adorable yet awkward. The other night I tuned in to:

“Two whales came into the bay today. Look how they appreciate the water!” the alpha male anchorman stated, his name was most likely Pat Douchenberg “You know, Sandra, I haven’t seen whales that big since I saw Star Trek IV.”

Sandra the sidekick anchorwoman did a light giggle and said, “I know, and it’s so heartbreaking when Darth Vader blows up that planet.”

Then the judgmental look from Douchenberg, “Oh, Sandra, you poor ignorant woman, meanwhile, today the county office of education sponsored the county spelling bee! Little Daisy Rovendorf of Central Street Elementary School won the contest when it came down to her and fellow schoolmate Rafi Lopez who lost to spelling ‘Reconnaissance.’ What a stupid little minority.”

I love the atmosphere I see from the local news.

After the heartwarming stories, like the spelling bee and stranded whales, there’s usually something about an elderly woman who saw the Virgin Mary when she pulled the lint out of the dryer. Then something slightly traumatic appears like:

“This morning a fire broke out at the Egotronics factory on Maple and 2nd Ave. The fire took charge and burned the first three stories killing at least eight people. Fire department said it was started by a Morningstar boca burger patty that was left in the toaster oven. Well, it’s fair to say that the vegetarians are to blame for this one. Let’s go to our reporter on the scene, Cheryl McCarelys.”

“Thanks, Pat. I’m here with blue-collar worker Mario who saw the whole thing happen,” the microphone goes to Mario, who’s never been on television before. She will ask him a series of questions like was he afraid, what did he see, was he or was he not a hero? Mario then will explain that he saw a dog trapped under a pile of debris and he saved the dog. Next frame: a close-up of the dirty yet lovable dog who was saved. The story will conclude that Mario will adopt the dog. Then it’s back to Pat Douchenberg.

“Well, I hope Mario names the dog Sparky,” Pat has a smirk on his face.

“Or Luigi,” Sandra chimes in.

The factory inferno story is then transitioned into the story about how tomorrow is “Free Slurpee Day” at the 7-11 on Hazel Road. The local news will then end with more footage of the whales that came into the bay.

The corporate evening news is a bit of a contrast from the “pinch its cheek because it’s so cute” local news. Usually you will see a stern, plastic looking leading anchorperson that will list off the more official news.

The headliner is Iraq. And yes people are still dying.

The follow up is a report that says studies have shown that the bigger your shadow is, the better chance you will have cancer.

Then some concluding news that goes:
“The federal government announced today that in an effort to eradicate the national debt, it will be selling the state of Rhode Island to a group of private investors, for a reported $18 billion. The investors plan to enclose the entire state with an all-weather roof, and turn it into the world’s largest shopping mall. When asked for comment, a White House spokesperson would only say, ‘Well, at least we didn’t sell it to the fucking Japanese.’”
Finally, you have the pleasure of switching channels to Fox, CNN, and Headline News where there is a whole variety of things to observe.

Fox News: “Today, our Lord and Savior President Bush arm wrestled the Devil and won. The CIA then took the Devil to Guantanamo Bay and after much ‘interrogation,’ the Devil confessed that he is to blame for the attacks on September 11, Ronald Reagan’s death, the creation of Charles Manson, and An Inconvenient Truth.”

CNN: “We’re focusing on the countdown to the 2008 elections. Here’s Barack Obama in Detroit. Look what he’s wearing: grey sports coat, white buttoned down shirt, with the collar unbuttoned. You know who also dresses like this? Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Now, you wouldn’t want to vote for someone that dresses like a crazy terrorist supporting Muslim?”

Headline News: “Just a moment, we have news coming from the White House. Here’s Tony Snow with an important announcement…
‘I'm just going to make this brief statement...the spreading of these erroneous and offensive descriptions has gone on for decades... and we find ourselves once again... having to make a public statement. Racehorses do not urinate more frequently... or at greater length than non-racing horses... or, for that matter, any mammal of comparable size. This organized, publicly sanctioned slander must stop.’”
I would say that the evening news is more like general entertainment.

This morning I tuned into NPR and caught this:

“A New Mexico woman was named Final Arbiter of Taste and Justice today, ending God's lengthy search for someone to straighten this country out. Eileen Harriet Palglace will have final say on every known subject, including who should be put to death, what clothes everyone should wear, what movies suck, and whether bald men who grow ponytails should still get laid.”